Sunday, August 30, 2009

Days 9-13: Prizes!

Man, I am just terrible at keeping this up regularly. Oh well. I realized the other day that you guys have no idea what I'm even playing for this year, so here are the big prizes, from worst to best:

First up is a $5 Subway Cash Card!

Whoa! I won one of these last year, and it was very exciting. Most people's first reaction to this is something along the lines of "Great, that'll work perfectly to buy one of Subway's famous $5 Footlongs!" Not so, unfortunately. You see, there happens to be some ludicrous "sales tax" involved, because a certain someone can't keep his dirty socialist hands off my sandwiches.

"Thanks for the 47 cents, comrade!"

So that aspect of it is a little disappointing.

Next up, a Scrabble board game! I won two of these last year. They had little to no impact on my life, aside from one game played while rather intoxicated.

Pug groins. Aaaaw.

I'm not sure what I would do with another one.

Third, there's the oddly named "bodybugg system." This is apparently a weight-control system, so again, it didn't seem like a very appropriate prize for me. Then I saw this quote from that page:

There’s an electronic thermometer inside your armband that monitors how hot you are.

Finally, a way to confirm my suspicions with science. Plus, the pickup lines practically write themselves.

"Actually, it says you're about average. Nevermind."

Next up, there's a $500 Champs Sports Gift Card. Now, I'm not really a sports person, so this seemed pretty useless to me at first. But I did some poking around on the Champs Sports website, and found...

Horizontal parachutes! Fuck yeah! It turns out these are incredibly useful to have if you are being kidnapped. That way, your would-be abductor will have to work on building explosive speed and sprinting power if he really wants to snatch you away. Always be prepared.

Now we crack the top four. The fourth best prize is a Live Nation VIP concert experience. This is another one that sounds pretty sweet at first. Then I went to the Live Nation section of Subway's website, and saw that the two big acts they're advertising are Creed and Nickelback.

Holy shit, keep me the hell away from this so-called prize. Even worse is the fact that if I do win this, I'm ineligible for any of the other top four prizes. Please don't do that to me, Subway. I beg you.

Chad Kroeger literally farts flames. Never pull his finger.

Moving on, the third-best prize is a Beaches Resorts Vacation Prize Package. Surely there can't be any downside to that, right? Let's just take a look at the fine print...

Prize includes a Beaches Resorts prize certificate good for a 5-day/4-night stay for two (2) adults and two (2) children under 15 years of age OR a trip for three (3) adults and one (1) child under 15 years of age

Wait, what? Am I required to bring at least one child with me? Shit, where can I get a cheap one?

Hmmm. Maybe I should have searched in "baby & kid stuff."

We're almost there. The second-best prize is apparently a 3rd generation Toyota Prius. As I've mentioned before, I can't drive. In fact, I've avoided getting a driver's license because of a crippling fear that I might someday be made a designated driver. As a further precaution, I have a team of doctors on hand 24/7 to keep my blood alcohol content just above .08% at all times.

Still, it could be fun to have friends of mine drive me around in it. I just hope there's enough room for my doctors.

Dr. Nutty has a PhD in Shenanigans.

Finally, there's the grand prize of $100,000. This is basically the one prize for which I have no complaints. Unfortunately, as I've touched upon before, the odds of winning it are roughly one in thirty billion. To put that in perspective, it's significantly more likely that this asteroid will wipe out an entire continent in 2014.

Oh well.

Daily winnings: Since last time, I've won two small drinks and two cookies.

Total winnings so far: Five small drinks, four cookies, and four 3-month Club Pogo memberships.

Currently listening to: Deerhunter - Cryptograms